"It's not over. I just saw through the eye of the storm. There was a brief moment of sunshine in the storm that is my life. It's back. And it's all as bad as before. Maybe even worse. Before, I'd realize what I would feel only when you made your presence felt. But now, even without you around, no, wait, all the more without you around, it's back. I don't understand. How could it come back? It's just not fair. I thought things would go smoothly, and now, they're railroading off course again. And you're not around, to begin with. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Nothing happens overnight, much less, that quickly. I guess something like this has to run it's full course, until everything just fades away, or something takes its place. I hope something takes its place. SOON. SOONER than soon.

This is one of the times when you feel that the emptiness can devour you alive. It's the worst possible feeling, heartache. I'd rather stick a thousand pins all over my body than go through this shit for prolonged times. What can end it all? I just want to take my own life. It's just not worth living right now. It just sucks. There isn't always a rainbow after the rain. We aren't all stronger than we think we are. I can't run anywhere. Where do I go? I can't take this. It's coming back, and I want to stop it, but it's just coming back. It's beyond my control, and it sucks that it is. It sucks when it's beyond my control and you feel nothing still.

I wish I meant something more to you. I wish I mean something more to you. I wish. I wish. I'd give up everything for you, and you'd give up everything for him anyway. Love is just supposed to hurt. Doesn't that just suck? Stopped pushing on for just a second, then nothing's changed. Who am I this time? I wish that wishes could be granted.

Why can't God just give me the one thing that He knows would make me happy? Because God knows that her love, her affection, makes someone else happy, and I guess that's just how the chips fall. Misery. Misery. My chips are all of disappointment, of misery. I just can't find a fucking reason, much less a pathetic excuse to live.

I just wish I could die right now. Right now. Yet I'm sure that you wouldn't mind that as well.
God? Are You there? Can You hear me? Can You hear my heart scream her name? Can You feel my heart breaking? Am I alone?

I don't want a dramatic life. I want a happy one. I want a happy life. It doesn't matter what kind of life it is. JUST A HAPPY ONE. I haven't felt happiness in the longest time, and soon enough, I'll probably forget what it feels like to be happy.

Tsss. You must be laughing now. You're enjoying this, aren't you? You're enjoying the fact that you're worshipped like a star and that you hold someone's heart in your hands. And you have the desire to break it. I can't plead with you not to. That's what you want, anyway.

I just don't want to be fucking alone anymore. Take me away, take me to the ends of this Earth, but I beg you, stay with me.
"

The clock ticked: 1:30 AM