"And it happened. Again. I knew it. All you had to do was just one thing. All you had to do was tell me something, and here I am again. Back. Back to where I started, square one. And whatever I did to stop whatever I didn't want to happen, all of it's in vain. All you have to do is step into my life, and it changes. Step out, and I'm still stuck with the illusion of you being there. Don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care. And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day. I don't suppose it's worth the price, it's worth the price, the price that I would pay. But I'm thinking it over, anyway.(Duncan Sheik-Barely Breathing) And I'm paying that price again.

Did I choose to? Well, it's like asking whether I can control what you do to me. And I can't. It's the same dilemma I faced when I asked myself before, whether I should just leave you behind, and disappear, since it would be no use for me to stay in your life, or whether I should stay and hold on - to what? The friendship? The friendship? You already knew how I felt, you're not dense anyway.

Now I ask myself, should I let you in again? And my answer is yes. But this has got to stop. Maybe if I can't, then I'm hoping you would. You know it's getting us nowhere. It's getting me nowhere. I sense the beginnings of the same emotion that I once felt, and I have to suppress it before it comes in in torrents. How can I do that when I'm meeting you? . . . Agh. I'm just confused.

Let's just stop this. It's doing no good anyway. Do I even exist in your world? What am I? Just another line. Another what if that never materialized. Another line, which you would so often choose to skip when you read your book.

I'm not happy. And I thought that after God saved me last Saturday, I would be. Misery must be my only destiny.
___________________

The social science exam was hard. So was English. I studied for both, about 4 hours for Social Science and two for English. I can't believe she expects us to know that much, I mean the scope of what she asked us to study over such a short quarter (and in the larger sense, the scope of what she intends to teach us for the year) is so vast, that it's as if we should, in her eyes, be able to teach this subject on our own come the end of the school year. It's pathetic. I mean, what significance will Catherine de Medici play when I work in a hospital? Why should I know that Philip Augustus won the Battle of Bouvines to triple France's territories when I would want to work as an advertising artist? What's with all the facts?

Haaay. Despite most things, I guess I'm pretty much thankful for the exams. At least, it got my mind of you. And that for me would be a success itself, since you don't distract me the way you do anymore. And maybe, just maybe, this is just some chemical reaction in my brain which I can easily push away. I pray it is. Cause I know that I can't have you, no matter what I do. No matter how the chips fall, it'll always be you and him, and that's just a truth I'll have to live with. I still wish for things to have gone differently between us - maybe I wish that we were better friends, or perhaps, closer than what we are now. But the time to do that has long passed, and you drift away farther from me each day, until I finally realize that we only really get in touch when we need something from each other.

Oh well. Life really was meant to suck. But I'm here, and I tried to not be here, but I failed. And I guess, God has some kind of reason, no matter how cliche it sounds. He's kept me here for something. And I admit that I'm losing my anticipation for that something, or hopefully, someone...else.

I have to go study CL. And Chemistry. Pray for me. Pamatay naman lagi ang Chem eh. And I got a 77.2 in my APDP. And I feel pathetic cause of that. I'll never be good enough. Sigh. Never.

++Despair.
"

The clock ticked: 1:09 AM